Planning ahead so others don't have to

It's been four years now since my sisters fiance died. I had lost grandparents but he was the first person close to me as an adult that died , that I was up close and personal in dealing with the "after" effects ,while helping my sister go through the process. It really opened my eyes and made me aware of getting my own plans in order so my family/friends are not burdened with it later.

Gin (her fiance) had cancer, and had the time to prepare as much as he could prior to his death. He made sure she was taken care of and all of the documents drawn up so when he passed she only had to make a few phone calls. My dad would pass a few years later and again I was there to see how helpful it was to have everything planned out ahead of time. I realize that both of these men had cancer and knew that there time was limited , but in reality all of us could do this.

My partner and I went to an attorney to have all of our paperwork done. There is an extra challenge for us since Florida at this time does not recognize same sex couples as spouses or family. We had to protect each other and our assets. Luckily we live in a pretty open community and have both had a few surgeries and have never had a problem with our hospitals or doctors not letting us stay or be a part of the communication. I know this is not the story every where sadly.

Now our next step is to plan and pay for the cremation. We are looking into a few different places . I met with a lady from the Neptune Society (aka National Cremation Society) today and have an appointment later in the week to meet with a local company (Farley Funeral Home). The prices have been higher than I thought (Over $2000) But something that I don't want my loved ones to have to deal with at all.  

If you have any advise or experiences you want to share, I'd love to hear from you.

Day 7, 8 and 9 (30 days of Thankful)

The end of the week was kind of hectic for me. I started helping out at our Venice office and had to adjust to new duties, new hours and it ate into my blog time.

Day 7 I am thankful for nice people in the world. People that pay it forward. :)

Day 8: I am thankful for growing up in the small town that I did (Moberly, Mo) There is just no way to duplicate the things you learn when you grow up with the whole town knowing your business, Everyone knows your parents, grandparents and every screw up you've ever done.  I think the best part about it is moving away, seeing the world and then going back from time to time and still feeling "welcome" and like it's held a part of your heart no matter how long you've been away.

Day 9: Vic!!! I am so very thankful for my partner, my lover, my best friend. I can only describe our relationship as being heaven sent. I honestly believe there had to be powers greater than us driving us together. We lived on other sides of the country yet managed to run across  each other on Myspace and start chatting and building a friendship. After a year of that we  took the plunge to actually meet in person and that just confirmed what we thought we knew;we HAD to make it work and live closer. We did lists of pros and cons of   each of us moving. It ended up that my list "won" with more pros. I was in need of another hip replacement surgery and my doctor was here in FL. My family was here, I worked for them and there would be a place for Vic. Those were the biggies. I've never looked back  and am reminded  almost everyday how very blessed I am to have Vic in my life.

September

Ok This September!   I'm just as obsessed  with the fall TV schedule as ever. I still watch too much TV. Some of the shows I'm watching or looking forward to watching: Gray Anatomy, Parenthood, Hostages, Sister Wives, Revenge, Homeland, The Little Couple, Person Of Interest,nashville,Scandal,Shark Tank,Amazing Race,Ray Donavan,Newsroom,Life Below Zero going to miss Breaking Bad..the final episode is on tonight. My DVR is on overdrive with all of this activity. Big Brother 15 came to an end with Andy winning. It was a very mean spirited year on BB and can only hope next summer is bettter. With that being said I didn't  miss an episode and went as far as to watch the after dark episodes and many youtube/twitter and facebook posts..I need an intervention!

My sister turned 50 this year!
 

We enjoyed some peace with nature. Getting ready for a crazy busy October.

 


Septembers Past
2012 My dads cancer was back and he started another round of Chemo in Sept. Not a happy time.

2011: the dogs playing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lb0pQHYxTHk
          Final episode aired of All My Children
          Went to Mi Pueblo with Trace, Anita,Deb, Linda and Vic

          The First Butchlesque!

          Helped Deb and Linda pack up the truck to move.
       
          Started my weight loss blog (bandedinflorida.blogpsot.com) My first blog post over there: http://bandedinflorida.blogspot.com/2012/09/pre-surgery.html

2010: A trip to Mote Marine, a view of the dolphins http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nKqjnSSfY90

          Gin passed away from Cancer (Brittany's fiance) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EizrzRrPVSM&feature=c4-overview&list=UUkEYaSI1fUCmrQR7ovB92cw

          Went and saw "The Kids Are All Right" here is a blog I wrote about it: http://whathollyhasseen.blogspot.com/2010/09/night-at-movies.html

2009: Took the dogs to the beach http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOOoksH_6h0 and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZJGWH7U2Hs

           We closed J's Home Furnishings

2008: Vic visited Fl to see me for the first time! Here is an evening on the south jetty http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZJGWH7U2Hs and here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yww8DfgJJs8

1973 Started public Kindergarten in Fargo North Dakota at Horace Mann

1972 I was almost 5 and started private Kindergarten at First Methodist Day School in North Dakota

Grief

I'm sad. I miss my dad. What is normal, what is not normal? I don't cry all of the time, I function, I go to work, I laugh, I smile. When those sad thoughts come to me I think of something else. I wait until night time, after Vic has gone to bed to read and then I let myself think of all the sad things. I store things in my head during TV shows that hit a nerve and think about them  at night when I'm sitting alone and can put all my thoughts together.

I dreamed about my dad last night. It was the first time. My sister and Vic have had dreams,in my sisters dream he was young and healthy and it was a beautiful dream. My dream he was still sick, actually worse than when he was living. It wasn't a pretty dream or anything  that made me feel better.

So much of the time I took pictures I was thinking of him knowing I would post them on facebook later so he could see what I was up to. When he moved to Seattle I made videos for him of the holidays he was missing so he could see everyone. I know that if I was the one living so far away I would like that. We video chatted quite a bit after he moved to TN, and mostly after he was diagnosed with cancer. this last year we were in touch almost every day. There is a void now.


I'm not selfish, I don't wish that he was still here. I believe when we pass we are with our loved ones and in a better place. I look forward to the day I'm with him again, until then it's just sad here. The world just isn't as sparkly or fun with him gone.

I worry now about losing Vic. Losing my mom. Losing my sisters. Being the last one still here. At night I reach out and touch Vic to make sure she's breathing. Probably not "normal" but also something that will most likely pass with some time.

I talk to my dads wife a lot. We don't cry or carry on when we talk on the phone. Her pain is too painful for me and I think mine is too painful for her. She sent Vic and I a thank you card for everything we did for her/dad and the last line of the card she said my dad was the love her life...I've said that line over and over in my head...how sad is that. How can you go on when you've lost the love of your life? My dad was the love of my life too.

I spent much of today online and in stores looking for something to put some of my dads ashes in. Nothing was right. I think I'll just know when I see it. I have ideas of what I want but I don't really think I'm ready to wrap my brain around him being "ashes' right now.

Cancer sucks. Smoking sucks. Not having your dad in your life anymore SUCKS.

I thought that I would "feel" him after he passed. I haven't. It hurts my feelings like it's something I did wrong even thou I know that doesn't make rational sense. I want him to come to me like in the movie Ghost or something..too many movies/TV/books...I know.

That's all for now..thought writing would help..it didnt

Dreams

Since my last post my father has passed away. I was fortunate enough to get to spend the last two weeks of his life by his side. Exactly one year ago he was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. His prognoses was not good so we made the most of the year. Last March I went up to TN and spent two weeks with him while he started chemo. Over the summer he was in a brief remission sort of thing and he made it back to Florida for a week or so. During Thanksgiving we rented a cabin in TN and went and spent the holiday with him. My sister spent Christmas in TN with him and in January and then again in Feb. I was up trying to fit more time into the hourglass that was quickly losing its sand.

I've been back in FL now for about a week. Vic, my partner, has been having dreams every night where my dad visits her. The first set of dreams my dad was wanting her to count money and balance it on an old ledger. It was very frustrating because it would not balance. The figures just would not be what my dad thought they should be.

The next set of dreams was about two boxes. My dad told her that one box was a "good" box but before she could give it to me there was something she needed to do with the second box...in that order..do something with the second box and THEN give me the first box. For many reason she could not open the second box...it took the form of a safe in one dream, a gift wrapped box in another...no matter what it was her hands would not let her open it.  Finally she gave up and gave me the "good"  box without following the instructions of doing whatever was in the second box first. When I opened it blood and guts spewed out all over my lap. She woke up very upset after this dream.

Last nights dream Dad came and told her about a gay man named Tom that had passed away. He was from a small town and wanted to leave his money to many different gay charities. Dad told Vic to write briefs and take them to a judge to submit them. Vic would start writing and dad would want something changed and she'd have to start over....this continued with the writing and starting over.

I've been doing some research on the meaning of dreams but I just can't figure these out. Odd....

TV viewing updates

Happy Friday!!!
After waiting all summer for the fall shows to return they are finally here! I calendared all of the dates and times so I wouldn't miss a show. I sat down all excited to watch Parenthood because I wasn't sure that show was coming back and then WAM they bring cancer into the story line. :(  I really don't need sad story lines to follow...life has enough of that!

Then there is Grays Anatomy last night...another tear jerker! I guess I could go tune into Honey Boo Boo but it was hard enough to sit thru 10 minutes of that show. I felt like I should run to the phone and call child protective services.

My faithful stand by is my reality tv fix...real housewives of...fill in the blank. The drama on NJ and NY seasons have had Vic and I cracking up..and thinking our lives are pretty dull if this is any indication of how people live.

Even football has had some drama this season. Luckily that is about to end now that footlocker has taken its employees back off the field. Go Cowboys! :)

What are you watching or looking forward to watching? I can't wait for Revenge to come back on...I think that show is brilliant.  We watched "Last Resort" last night and it was pretty action packed but I'm not sure how they will make a full season out of it, looked more like a movie.

If you have not checked out Person of Interest yet go do so. We caught re-runs a few months ago and have been hooked. Love that show!

Another show if you have Starz Channel is BOSS with Kelsie Grammar...not my favorite actor but he's excellent in the show. He plays the corrupt mayor of Chicago.

Tell me what you think of these shows!

Weekend Thoughts

Woohoo It's Friday! This week has been crazy. Somethings I can't find the words to post about even if I wanted to.

 On the happy side Victor (my partners son) passed his state test so we now have two agents in our office! :) Yay!!

My dad is suppose to start his final round of Chemo next Monday but they have to run some more tests because there was an issue with his blood work. I hope it all goes as planned so he can be done with this and relax without having to go to chemo/doctors/etc. all the time. (and selfishly so he can come visit us  in FL!)

I made the first step since my last blog and called my doctor about the lap band surgery. I have an appointment Monday to discuss it more. From what I've read online I should be covered by my insurance. I've also been following a lot of women that have had it done on youtube and gotten some insight on what to expect (good and bad). I am still really wanting to do this.

I did get back on that bike and made it all the way around the block! It's been raining or dark by the time we've gotten home most of the week to get back on it but I feel better about it now that I've done it once.

We have a storm out in the gulf looking to bring lots of rain to our weekend. If it becomes a hurricane it will be named Debby. Hurricane season is always mixed for me..there is some excitement that comes with storms but it's also scary after seeing the devastation a few years ago by Charlie, Irene and other storms near by. I worry about the fur babies the most. We are pretty good to have a "kit" with water, lanterns, crackers, etc. but as I saw from my some of my friends in years past, when you are without power for weeks on end it gets pretty miserable ..maybe we should add a generator to our "kit".

I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend whatever you do. Stay dry and hug your daddies!

Some instagram pictures from this week:

Hope For The Holidays In Action!

Today after work as planned we packaged up our goodies and headed out to the homeless camp.

I did not know what to expect and was a little nervous but excited at the same time.

As we entered into the woods we saw tents on both sides of our path but heard voices further in the woods so we kept walking until we were met by a man on a bike. Tony was his name and he welcomed us in and gave us a verbal tour of how the camp was set up  and who all was there. He was heading out to buy cigarattes but we would see him again.  He asked a few gentlemen up front to escort us back to the back camp but they declined so Vic and I followed the path and the voices until we reached the main camp that they call "Pirates Cove".

Tonys wife Carol was there along with Pops and a young lady named Annie. They came out and gave us hugs and talked with us for a while. We were told that 8 people live back there now and that the newspaper article has brought them attention and help. Local organizations were out and coming back with more things tomorrow. We asked what they needed so other people could help too. Pops said propane. Tony explained that Pops uses heaters and they are run by little propane tanks. We promised to see what we could do about that.

While we were visiting , the mayor of Pirates Cove, as they call him (Joe) pulled up on his bike with bags of ice and food he had gotten from the church and with food stamps. They were having chicken tonight. Joe is the cook. He was so nice to talk with us and you could tell , a proud man.

When it came time to leave we were given hugs , Pops gave me hugs twice! And Tony escorted us back up to the truck. He thanked us and told us about moving to the camp this past year after losing his job. His unemployment ran out and he could no long afford his mortgage so he and Carol and their kids (two fiesty dogs) made pirates cove "home".

I wanted to take more pictures but felt intrusive by asking so  I didn't. I found a slide show on the newspaper link that shows the camp and the people..here is the link PHOTOS

What stood out to me the most is their smiles. They had three Christmas trees up, and even joked about one of them being a charlie brown Christmas tree because it only had one ornament.

I feel more blessed tonight in knowing these people..and look forward to going back again and getting to know them better.

Merry Christmas!

Hope For The Holidays

Sometimes things just fall  into place as if putting together a puzzle. Since before my partner and I started living together we have talked about things that we wanted to do together. Helping the less fortunate was one of the things we talked about but just never found our "people". As I often do with things that are meant to be I didn't worry about it because I knew when the time was right it would all just happen. My entire life has been that way..why would it change now?

A few weeks ago Vic's very good friend Sue was facing another huge battle with cancer and admitted to the hospital back in Sacramento.  For the past year we knew that the time would come when Vic would need to go back but tried to keep the positive thoughts flowing and not think too much about it. Saturday morning as I was reading new status updates on facebook I saw where Sues daughter, Krista, had written that she felt so f'ing helpless. I shared that with Vic and within a few minutes a text message came across telling Vic to come to California. By that evening Vic was back in California sitting by Sues side in the hospital.

For the following week Vic stayed near Sue's side and would call me at night with the updates from the day. Some good days, some bad but mostly just sad. The conversation that made me cry the most was a story Vic told me. Krista had gone to pick up some mashed potatoes and gravy at KFC for Sue and she saw a homeless man sitting on the curb. She picked him up a sandwich and gave it to him before she left. She was nervous but felt a strong pull to help this man out.  When she came back to the hospital and told her mom about what had happened  Sue said that her wish for the holidays was she wanted to get sleeping bags and take them around to the homeless people that they see around where they live, not drop them off at a shelter but actually go out on the streets and find the people that they would be helping. Sue's excitement about this spilled over and she shared her wishes with the nurses and friends that would come by the room to visit with her.

Later the  next  evening the sisters (it was a catholic hospital) brought up five sleeping bags that someone had left at the front desk for Sue and her children to deliver over the holidays. There was not a dry eye in the room.

The kids made a flyer and created emails telling what their plans were and asking other people to do the same thing in Sues name this Christmas. Vic and I even posted our plans to do the same thing back here in Florida.

On a side note, while Vic was in California there was a fire in the woods not to far from where we live. It was a pretty big fire and I was stuck in traffic because of it. It would become more important later. A sign if you may.

Since Vic came home Sue also got out of the hospital and is starting a new medical trial this next week. We have not talked much because Vic has been under the weather and with the time difference we don't always know when she is sleeping but from the looks of her facebook status she had a great day at church yesterday!

This weekend in our local paper they did a two part series on the homeless people here in Venice! The story was about a "camp" if you will, of homeless people that live in the woods that were on fire while Vic was in California! As if two days of this story wasnt a big enough lightbulb moment today a man came into our office taking donations for the local homeless. We are still not sure if it was a scam or not but we donated a few bucks and just tucked it away as a nudge.  On our drive home we talked about all the signs. We have talked about doing something for the homeless for a while but didn't really know where the homeless in Venice lived or stayed and now we find out they are so close to our house. We stopped by the woods where the fire was and Vic got out and walked a ways into the woods to see if she could see the tents or anything. She did. We found our people!  We came on home and made a plan to go back out and shop tonight but not to stop by the camp at night because they are probably already scared of having to move because of the article , we would put together bins of goodies and bring them by during the day when we could meet them.

We stocked up at the dollar store and then at walmart with sleeping bags, lanterns,canned goods, socks, toothpaste, razors, soap, etc...It was hard not to go too far over our budget!  I hope that this touches you as much as it did us and this Christmas you will find a way to add some hope for the holidays!

Merry Christmas!!
Holly

Road Trip!

When my sisters fiance went in the hospital a month ago I had no idea how much life was about to change.
I am not complaining at all , please don't get me wrong. I would do anything for her .

When he passed away I was there but more importantly I have been there since. While he was still hanging on she made a comment to me that it was nice to have so many people around but she was worried that once he was gone where would they be. I have tried to fill her days with things to do so that she didn't ever feel alone. I realize that is not realistic. Her life partner of the last 9 years is suddenly gone. The man that filled her car with gas, bought the groceries, paid the bills, ran the house...was no longer going to be there for her.

She has good days and bad days. It's the unexpected triggers that sneak up on her that throw her off. For example we were working on paying bills yesterday and writing down things on the calendar when she realized that after this year is up and she gets a new calendar she will no longer have his handwriting on the calendar. It hit her hard. What can you say? Nothing.

She has gotten over moving his urn into whatever room she is in. For a while it sat in his chair, and then moved to the bed when she went to sleep. She is going to get a vile so she can wear some in a necklace or something.  I've often joked with Vic that I want to be put in a big pink urn that lights up and is kind of obnoxious so the next girlfriend will always be reminded me of me...not very nice is it? LOL

This weekend I am going to go to TN to visit my dad with my sister. We are taking a nice long road trip to get away for a few days. It will be nice to have a change of scenery. I hope to come back with lots of pictures and happy things to blog about.

This past month I have written many blogs but have not published them. I dont want my blog to be about me venting on how much cancer and doctors suck or how some of my family really disappointed me or anything negitive...I don't want to look back later and see a series of depressing blogs. Until I can blog happy things again I will be MIA. I hope this trip to TN cures me :)

Friday Flip Offs 9-24-10

My Friday Flip Offs this week...

• Cancer.
• All of his doctors over the past 50 years that misdiagnosed his health problems.
• The Oncologist for sounding so casual a few months ago as we sat across from him and heard the words "Stage 4  Pancreatic Cancer" and then left the office with no idea what we were in for.
• The Doctors in the ER this week that didn't explain what was going on or what to expect.
• The nurses and hospital staff that were rude when we needed kindness the most.
• My snoring because it was so loud after an exhausting day that Vic couldn't even sleep next to me.
• The uncomfortable chairs in the chapel/waiting room outside of the CCU.
• The not knowing.
• The hurt I feel as my sister cries in my arms.

My younger sister

If you met us seperately you would perhaps not know we were sisters and never guess we were friends. She drinks, smokes, has piercings and tattoos, is a free spirit and one of the funniest people you'll ever meet. I, on the other hand am shy, I can't stand cigarette smoke, I rarely drink, my tattoo and piercings are in places you'd never see them and I'm quiet and only wish I had half the balls she does!

I am four years older than she is. We played together growing up and for the most part got along. When we would fight, my dad , being the funny guy he is, would make us sit holding hands or something like that until we made up. It must have worked, we survived our childhood without killing each other.

When I was a sophmore in high school I went to Europe for the summer and when I came back she had grown up on me. She was dating,(one of my ex boyfriends!) getting into trouble and starting to turn into someone that I didn't know anymore. We moved to Florida that summer and things just got worse.

Her teenage years were very hard on her and while she was in and out of programs and such we didn't spend much time together. For many years her life sort of spun out of control. It was awful to feel so helpless. She had given up on herself but I never gave up on her.

About 5 or 6 years ago she was looking for a job thinking no one would hire her because of her past. At the time I owned a furniture store and felt like I should give her a chance...what happened next is that we worked together every day for 5 or so years. In that time period we had one or two fights..and I'll be the first to say they were my fault. I am not always the easiest person to work with...but we learned what buttons not to push with each other and more than anyone else we know how to calm each other down.

We became best friends. I love my sister so much that I feel her pain, I ache for her knowing the regrets she holds in her heart. I wish everyone knew her heart the way I do. She is such a special girl and although sometimes tough on the outside Ive never met a more nurturing, pure person.

I make fun of her for taking thousands of pictures of orbs in her house, the way she makes fun of me for fretting over my dogs. She said she knew for sure I was gay one day because of how I over react to any injury my dogs have. That cracked me up.

She is such a good sport..more so than me. I have tormented and teased her only like a big sister can and she just laughs and goes on without ever thinking of how she can get me back.

I miss the furniture store because it was such a huge part of our life together. We played skipbo and Phase 10 almost everyday that we worked together. We laughed until we peed our pants..ok ok only I did that, and we learned how to trust each other in a way that perhaps would not have happened without those years working together.

She is facing a difficult road ahead of her right now as she helps her partner of the last 6-7 (?) years fight cancer. As much as my heart goes out to him and his family, it also goes out to her because I know how much he means to her and what a special relationship they have.

I love you Britty...you are not alone.