Monday, July 23, 2012

Little Sister

Dear Sister,

I have started this letter in my head about a million times.
I am so angry about so many things that I just don't know where to start.  I have said the serenity prayer over and over until it just doesn't make any sense at all. I know I can not change you, I try and have faith that you will decide one day that YOU can change you but I really have lost hope that that will happen.

I'm angry that over half your life has been spent with us worrying about you. I am angry that you have not set a better example for your son. I am angry that you are so wrapped up in yourself that you can't be there for me when I need you.

You are 41 years old. You have spent more than half your life not taking care of yourself. You will most likely end  up needing someone to take care of you because of your decisions .  I can't just pretend like I don't have a younger sister so I know I have more years of worry.

It's sick that the only time I can feel at peace is when you are in jail. It's the only time i don't flashback when helicopters fly over head. It's the only time that I know you are eating and not drinking. It's the only time I don't worry that I'll get a phone call that you've hurt someone or yourself while being drunk/high.

It makes me sad to look at the pain on mom and dads face when they ask me how you are doing because they have distanced themselves so much they don't even call you themselves. It makes me sad to hear the tone of helplessness when they talk about how they wish things were different.

It makes me furious to see your son spinning out of control and posting such crap on facebook knowing he doesn't have anyone in his life showing him an example of what a good, happy, law abiding life is like.  He should be enjoying his teen years you remember EVER having to worry about mom and dad fighting or going to jail when we were growing up? NO you didn't. You had a safe, loving home with a family that loved and supported you no matter what.

I wish I could be more like Steph and just turn off the feelings and pretend like everything is just fine on holidays when we all get together. I've tried, that just doesnt work for me. I love you, I miss the good times, the laughter, the sober girl that played cards with me all day long . I miss our inside jokes. I miss you.

There comes a point in life when you get real with yourself. It's been happening for a while now. After Gin died I was there for you. I was with you every day,  helping you with the most basic of things. Then one day you decided you'd had enough and went off to the bars. I was home alone. Vic was in California being by her best friends side while she died of cancer. I needed you. I called and got no answer. My sister radar kicked in and I knew just where I'd find you...I drove to the bar and found your car outside. I called again..when I didn't reach you the next day I came by your house to find you hungover, in bed with Mark. You didn't bother to let me know you were ok. My messages were ignored. I realized right then how one sided our relationship has always been.  I took a big step back.

We stopped talking everyday. I would only hear from you when you needed money transferred. You couldn't bother to figure out how to do your own banking and why should had me. The fool that always came to your rescue. The idiot that defended and stuck up for you no matter what.

I didn't want to even listen when Mark called last month about you being in jail again. I wanted to  hang up and pretend I never took the call. I didn't want to be the "go to" girl that the family contacted to see if anything was new with you. I didn't want to have to tell Dad as he was already in the fight of his life beating cancer.  Everyone had opinions, suggestions, advise. I just wanted to put  those rose colored glasses on and say "what sister?"

I didn't want to ever visit you in jail again..but I did. twice. I wasn't going to write to you in jail. But I did..twice. My letter wasn't all that nice this time around. You probably wish I wouldn't have sent it..I know, me too.

Know what makes me the maddest? The guilt. I worry and feel guilty that if I'm not there helping you pick up the pieces and try to make things easier on you , you will just give up.

I know your answer will be "I never told you to love me" or worry about me or never did understand
 it was never a choice.

I do love you little sister..but today I must love you from

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Weekly Update July 22 2012

I feel like this was such a stressful week. We had work issues with cleaners and not just on one property but on several. Had to let some go, warn others and hire some new ones. It really stinks that we can put so much time and attention into managing a property and lose it over something we don't control (how good of a job the cleaning teams do) ..anyway...we survived and learned some lessons and will be making the necessary changes so it doesnt ever happen again.

I did have some positive news this week. I found out my dad is coming to visit in August!
My sister will be out of jail in August (another long story that I have chosen not to blog about ..yet) I had my "meet the surgeon" this week and am anxious to get everything done so I can have my surgery.I'm a little disappointed that it won't happen as quickly as I thought it would. I am guessing/hoping by October I'll be ready for surgery. I got my first doctor visit in already, and called the doctor for the psych evaluation but she's gone until Tuesday so that will hopefully happen next week.  My food/nutrition classes don't start until August so I have to sit back and wait for that. So much of the process is just waiting things out. Drives.Me.Crazy.

We did have a wonderful time out last night with friends. Everytime we do this we come away saying that we must do it more often. I hope we do. Good friends should never be taken for granted! Thank you Lisa, Kim,Del and Karen for always being so easy to be with.

I also got good news from my ex that we got an offer on our house! I hope this ones goes thru and we can be done with that chapter of our lives. I miss that house and loved it very much but have felt for many years now that if I couldn't live in it I didn't really want him to either...that may or may not be a good way to think but it is what it is.

I am going to take a deep breath, talk Vic into going to the beach today and try to recharge for next week.

Before I go I send out prayers to all involved in the terrible movie theater shooting Friday in Colorado. I can't even wrap my brain around how someone does that...:(

Here a few pictures I took this week. Something I saw at my doctors office, a wonderful dish from Tropical Thai Restaurant in Sarasota, and a few pictures we took while junk shopping at Sarasota Salvage...a very cool place!!

Seen at my doctors office, remember Y2k?

Tropical Thai in Sarasota

Sarasota Salvage

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Weekly Update 7-14-12

It's been over a week since I've done an update. I did however add a 4th of July video and  hoped that that would count :)
It's been a pretty stressful couple of weeks with family drama stuff..I may or may not write about it later but for now I'm just leaving it as family drama. It has really upset my world and has made me quite "off" for the past month. :(
Nothing new on the weight loss thing..I go in this next week and will hopefully have more to report on that later.
I had my annual doctors appointment this last week. Finished it off with a mammogram yesterday, just how I love to start my Fridays. 
Work has been pretty busy. Just the normal drama stuff there. Nothing too exciting. 
Wow this is not a very fun update...I'll leave you with some pictures I took during the week...:) They always make me smile.

My Instagram pictures from this week, Lots of the dachshunds..cause they are so damn cute!