Monday, July 23, 2012

Little Sister

Dear Sister,

I have started this letter in my head about a million times.
I am so angry about so many things that I just don't know where to start.  I have said the serenity prayer over and over until it just doesn't make any sense at all. I know I can not change you, I try and have faith that you will decide one day that YOU can change you but I really have lost hope that that will happen.

I'm angry that over half your life has been spent with us worrying about you. I am angry that you have not set a better example for your son. I am angry that you are so wrapped up in yourself that you can't be there for me when I need you.

You are 41 years old. You have spent more than half your life not taking care of yourself. You will most likely end  up needing someone to take care of you because of your decisions .  I can't just pretend like I don't have a younger sister so I know I have more years of worry.

It's sick that the only time I can feel at peace is when you are in jail. It's the only time i don't flashback when helicopters fly over head. It's the only time that I know you are eating and not drinking. It's the only time I don't worry that I'll get a phone call that you've hurt someone or yourself while being drunk/high.

It makes me sad to look at the pain on mom and dads face when they ask me how you are doing because they have distanced themselves so much they don't even call you themselves. It makes me sad to hear the tone of helplessness when they talk about how they wish things were different.

It makes me furious to see your son spinning out of control and posting such crap on facebook knowing he doesn't have anyone in his life showing him an example of what a good, happy, law abiding life is like.  He should be enjoying his teen years you remember EVER having to worry about mom and dad fighting or going to jail when we were growing up? NO you didn't. You had a safe, loving home with a family that loved and supported you no matter what.

I wish I could be more like Steph and just turn off the feelings and pretend like everything is just fine on holidays when we all get together. I've tried, that just doesnt work for me. I love you, I miss the good times, the laughter, the sober girl that played cards with me all day long . I miss our inside jokes. I miss you.

There comes a point in life when you get real with yourself. It's been happening for a while now. After Gin died I was there for you. I was with you every day,  helping you with the most basic of things. Then one day you decided you'd had enough and went off to the bars. I was home alone. Vic was in California being by her best friends side while she died of cancer. I needed you. I called and got no answer. My sister radar kicked in and I knew just where I'd find you...I drove to the bar and found your car outside. I called again..when I didn't reach you the next day I came by your house to find you hungover, in bed with Mark. You didn't bother to let me know you were ok. My messages were ignored. I realized right then how one sided our relationship has always been.  I took a big step back.

We stopped talking everyday. I would only hear from you when you needed money transferred. You couldn't bother to figure out how to do your own banking and why should had me. The fool that always came to your rescue. The idiot that defended and stuck up for you no matter what.

I didn't want to even listen when Mark called last month about you being in jail again. I wanted to  hang up and pretend I never took the call. I didn't want to be the "go to" girl that the family contacted to see if anything was new with you. I didn't want to have to tell Dad as he was already in the fight of his life beating cancer.  Everyone had opinions, suggestions, advise. I just wanted to put  those rose colored glasses on and say "what sister?"

I didn't want to ever visit you in jail again..but I did. twice. I wasn't going to write to you in jail. But I did..twice. My letter wasn't all that nice this time around. You probably wish I wouldn't have sent it..I know, me too.

Know what makes me the maddest? The guilt. I worry and feel guilty that if I'm not there helping you pick up the pieces and try to make things easier on you , you will just give up.

I know your answer will be "I never told you to love me" or worry about me or never did understand
 it was never a choice.

I do love you little sister..but today I must love you from


Nicole said...

That was raw emotion. I am sorry you have to endure this. You seem very strong. I love how writing is so cathartic!