Planning ahead so others don't have to

It's been four years now since my sisters fiance died. I had lost grandparents but he was the first person close to me as an adult that died , that I was up close and personal in dealing with the "after" effects ,while helping my sister go through the process. It really opened my eyes and made me aware of getting my own plans in order so my family/friends are not burdened with it later.

Gin (her fiance) had cancer, and had the time to prepare as much as he could prior to his death. He made sure she was taken care of and all of the documents drawn up so when he passed she only had to make a few phone calls. My dad would pass a few years later and again I was there to see how helpful it was to have everything planned out ahead of time. I realize that both of these men had cancer and knew that there time was limited , but in reality all of us could do this.

My partner and I went to an attorney to have all of our paperwork done. There is an extra challenge for us since Florida at this time does not recognize same sex couples as spouses or family. We had to protect each other and our assets. Luckily we live in a pretty open community and have both had a few surgeries and have never had a problem with our hospitals or doctors not letting us stay or be a part of the communication. I know this is not the story every where sadly.

Now our next step is to plan and pay for the cremation. We are looking into a few different places . I met with a lady from the Neptune Society (aka National Cremation Society) today and have an appointment later in the week to meet with a local company (Farley Funeral Home). The prices have been higher than I thought (Over $2000) But something that I don't want my loved ones to have to deal with at all.  

If you have any advise or experiences you want to share, I'd love to hear from you.

Grief

I'm sad. I miss my dad. What is normal, what is not normal? I don't cry all of the time, I function, I go to work, I laugh, I smile. When those sad thoughts come to me I think of something else. I wait until night time, after Vic has gone to bed to read and then I let myself think of all the sad things. I store things in my head during TV shows that hit a nerve and think about them  at night when I'm sitting alone and can put all my thoughts together.

I dreamed about my dad last night. It was the first time. My sister and Vic have had dreams,in my sisters dream he was young and healthy and it was a beautiful dream. My dream he was still sick, actually worse than when he was living. It wasn't a pretty dream or anything  that made me feel better.

So much of the time I took pictures I was thinking of him knowing I would post them on facebook later so he could see what I was up to. When he moved to Seattle I made videos for him of the holidays he was missing so he could see everyone. I know that if I was the one living so far away I would like that. We video chatted quite a bit after he moved to TN, and mostly after he was diagnosed with cancer. this last year we were in touch almost every day. There is a void now.


I'm not selfish, I don't wish that he was still here. I believe when we pass we are with our loved ones and in a better place. I look forward to the day I'm with him again, until then it's just sad here. The world just isn't as sparkly or fun with him gone.

I worry now about losing Vic. Losing my mom. Losing my sisters. Being the last one still here. At night I reach out and touch Vic to make sure she's breathing. Probably not "normal" but also something that will most likely pass with some time.

I talk to my dads wife a lot. We don't cry or carry on when we talk on the phone. Her pain is too painful for me and I think mine is too painful for her. She sent Vic and I a thank you card for everything we did for her/dad and the last line of the card she said my dad was the love her life...I've said that line over and over in my head...how sad is that. How can you go on when you've lost the love of your life? My dad was the love of my life too.

I spent much of today online and in stores looking for something to put some of my dads ashes in. Nothing was right. I think I'll just know when I see it. I have ideas of what I want but I don't really think I'm ready to wrap my brain around him being "ashes' right now.

Cancer sucks. Smoking sucks. Not having your dad in your life anymore SUCKS.

I thought that I would "feel" him after he passed. I haven't. It hurts my feelings like it's something I did wrong even thou I know that doesn't make rational sense. I want him to come to me like in the movie Ghost or something..too many movies/TV/books...I know.

That's all for now..thought writing would help..it didnt

Dreams

Since my last post my father has passed away. I was fortunate enough to get to spend the last two weeks of his life by his side. Exactly one year ago he was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. His prognoses was not good so we made the most of the year. Last March I went up to TN and spent two weeks with him while he started chemo. Over the summer he was in a brief remission sort of thing and he made it back to Florida for a week or so. During Thanksgiving we rented a cabin in TN and went and spent the holiday with him. My sister spent Christmas in TN with him and in January and then again in Feb. I was up trying to fit more time into the hourglass that was quickly losing its sand.

I've been back in FL now for about a week. Vic, my partner, has been having dreams every night where my dad visits her. The first set of dreams my dad was wanting her to count money and balance it on an old ledger. It was very frustrating because it would not balance. The figures just would not be what my dad thought they should be.

The next set of dreams was about two boxes. My dad told her that one box was a "good" box but before she could give it to me there was something she needed to do with the second box...in that order..do something with the second box and THEN give me the first box. For many reason she could not open the second box...it took the form of a safe in one dream, a gift wrapped box in another...no matter what it was her hands would not let her open it.  Finally she gave up and gave me the "good"  box without following the instructions of doing whatever was in the second box first. When I opened it blood and guts spewed out all over my lap. She woke up very upset after this dream.

Last nights dream Dad came and told her about a gay man named Tom that had passed away. He was from a small town and wanted to leave his money to many different gay charities. Dad told Vic to write briefs and take them to a judge to submit them. Vic would start writing and dad would want something changed and she'd have to start over....this continued with the writing and starting over.

I've been doing some research on the meaning of dreams but I just can't figure these out. Odd....

Little Sister

Dear Sister,

I have started this letter in my head about a million times.
I am so angry about so many things that I just don't know where to start.  I have said the serenity prayer over and over until it just doesn't make any sense at all. I know I can not change you, I try and have faith that you will decide one day that YOU can change you but I really have lost hope that that will happen.

I'm angry that over half your life has been spent with us worrying about you. I am angry that you have not set a better example for your son. I am angry that you are so wrapped up in yourself that you can't be there for me when I need you.

You are 41 years old. You have spent more than half your life not taking care of yourself. You will most likely end  up needing someone to take care of you because of your decisions .  I can't just pretend like I don't have a younger sister so I know I have more years of worry.

It's sick that the only time I can feel at peace is when you are in jail. It's the only time i don't flashback when helicopters fly over head. It's the only time that I know you are eating and not drinking. It's the only time I don't worry that I'll get a phone call that you've hurt someone or yourself while being drunk/high.

It makes me sad to look at the pain on mom and dads face when they ask me how you are doing because they have distanced themselves so much they don't even call you themselves. It makes me sad to hear the tone of helplessness when they talk about how they wish things were different.

It makes me furious to see your son spinning out of control and posting such crap on facebook knowing he doesn't have anyone in his life showing him an example of what a good, happy, law abiding life is like.  He should be enjoying his teen years ..do you remember EVER having to worry about mom and dad fighting or going to jail when we were growing up? NO you didn't. You had a safe, loving home with a family that loved and supported you no matter what.

I wish I could be more like Steph and just turn off the feelings and pretend like everything is just fine on holidays when we all get together. I've tried, that just doesnt work for me. I love you, I miss the good times, the laughter, the sober girl that played cards with me all day long . I miss our inside jokes. I miss you.

There comes a point in life when you get real with yourself. It's been happening for a while now. After Gin died I was there for you. I was with you every day,  helping you with the most basic of things. Then one day you decided you'd had enough and went off to the bars. I was home alone. Vic was in California being by her best friends side while she died of cancer. I needed you. I called and got no answer. My sister radar kicked in and I knew just where I'd find you...I drove to the bar and found your car outside. I called again..when I didn't reach you the next day I came by your house to find you hungover, in bed with Mark. You didn't bother to let me know you were ok. My messages were ignored. I realized right then how one sided our relationship has always been.  I took a big step back.

We stopped talking everyday. I would only hear from you when you needed money transferred. You couldn't bother to figure out how to do your own banking and why should you...you had me. The fool that always came to your rescue. The idiot that defended and stuck up for you no matter what.

I didn't want to even listen when Mark called last month about you being in jail again. I wanted to  hang up and pretend I never took the call. I didn't want to be the "go to" girl that the family contacted to see if anything was new with you. I didn't want to have to tell Dad as he was already in the fight of his life beating cancer.  Everyone had opinions, suggestions, advise. I just wanted to put  those rose colored glasses on and say "what sister?"

I didn't want to ever visit you in jail again..but I did. twice. I wasn't going to write to you in jail. But I did..twice. My letter wasn't all that nice this time around. You probably wish I wouldn't have sent it..I know, me too.

Know what makes me the maddest? The guilt. I worry and feel guilty that if I'm not there helping you pick up the pieces and try to make things easier on you , you will just give up.

I know your answer will be "I never told you to love me" or worry about me or whatever...you never did understand
 it was never a choice.

I do love you little sister..but today I must love you from over...........here.

Road Trip!

When my sisters fiance went in the hospital a month ago I had no idea how much life was about to change.
I am not complaining at all , please don't get me wrong. I would do anything for her .

When he passed away I was there but more importantly I have been there since. While he was still hanging on she made a comment to me that it was nice to have so many people around but she was worried that once he was gone where would they be. I have tried to fill her days with things to do so that she didn't ever feel alone. I realize that is not realistic. Her life partner of the last 9 years is suddenly gone. The man that filled her car with gas, bought the groceries, paid the bills, ran the house...was no longer going to be there for her.

She has good days and bad days. It's the unexpected triggers that sneak up on her that throw her off. For example we were working on paying bills yesterday and writing down things on the calendar when she realized that after this year is up and she gets a new calendar she will no longer have his handwriting on the calendar. It hit her hard. What can you say? Nothing.

She has gotten over moving his urn into whatever room she is in. For a while it sat in his chair, and then moved to the bed when she went to sleep. She is going to get a vile so she can wear some in a necklace or something.  I've often joked with Vic that I want to be put in a big pink urn that lights up and is kind of obnoxious so the next girlfriend will always be reminded me of me...not very nice is it? LOL

This weekend I am going to go to TN to visit my dad with my sister. We are taking a nice long road trip to get away for a few days. It will be nice to have a change of scenery. I hope to come back with lots of pictures and happy things to blog about.

This past month I have written many blogs but have not published them. I dont want my blog to be about me venting on how much cancer and doctors suck or how some of my family really disappointed me or anything negitive...I don't want to look back later and see a series of depressing blogs. Until I can blog happy things again I will be MIA. I hope this trip to TN cures me :)

My Birthday

I have had the best birthday week this year! I have hated birthdays for a while now (40 just killed me!) But this year was different.

Last year Vic and I started the tradition to go somewhere on our b'days (hers is a week before mine) We went to Tampa for the weekend and enjoyed a day at Busch Gardens and then went back at night for Hallo- scream!

This year we could not decide where to go and leaving the four dogs and cat behind was harder on us than we thought it would be. Plus the added fact that my sisters fiance had just died and she would be needing us. So we ordered ourselves a treadmill as a birthday gift for both of us. The gift that would keep on giving (or hopefully subtracting....pounds!)
My birthday started out on a somber note with me taking my sister to get her fiances ashes. It really made me think twice of how I think about my birthday , I will not complain about getting older ever again!
I was happy that we planned a big birthday celebration at my favorite Mexican restaurant that night. The whole family could use a reason to laugh and have some fun after a week or two of such sadness. And we did! The flowing margaritas helped.

Today we are going to relax around the house and put together the treadmill. The huge box has been taunting us all week. I wanted to wait until after all of the birthday cake before I started my new workout plan.

Hopefully by my  next birthday I will have a few less chins!

What's Left

I'm going to be 43 in a few weeks. I wonder if I am passing the half way mark to my life. Will I live past 86? These past 43 years went by pretty quickly, will the next 43 be just as fast? Will I continue to forget amazing things that I've done? I know I won't have all the same people in my life in the second half. In the first half I had to say goodbye to grandparents, pets,teachers and some friends. The second wave is just going to be harder. I imagine more loved ones, family, and sadly more pets will leave me :(

I do believe that we all go to a better place when our bodies leave this life. I am not dreading death. My sadness is selfish I guess because what I fear/dread is not having those people still around for me. It would be better if we all went together.

I really don't mean to make this a dark , sad, post. I love my life. I look forward to each and every day. If I was told that I had only months,days, hours to live would I regret not doing something?

I have never had a bucket list . If I want to do something I do it. If I have not done it ,I figure that either I will or I won't..simple enough. My thinking is a little different on these kind of things. If I would make a bucket list and set about to doing everything on that list I may miss out on other things that I was suppose to be doing. I think that people/things/events are put into our lives for a reason and the simplest things could end up meaning the most to us. I go through life with my eyes and heart wide open. I notice and celebrate the beauty in every sunset, every rose that gives me the gift of blooming in my garden, every puppy kiss....etc.

I don't always know the reasons behind why things happen but I think I come across people all of the time that are here to teach me something or me them. I found a young blogger a while back and feel that pull towards her. I am not sure why, but I feel almost as if we are being introduced to each other for some sort of support or lesson.

When one passes over I'd like to think their spirit still watches over their loved ones left behind, still finishing the earth project. Vic and I were just talking about this last night. She thinks her dad really had a part in making things work for us. I know something in the universe wanted us together because it all just pulled together so perfectly for us when it could have just fallen apart living 3000 miles away from each other.

I went to a psychic once and she told me that I had spirits around me and would always be protected. Nothing bad would happen to me in my life. I always believed this. I've had heart break but very little. I think my positive attitude and outlook on the world helps me to see a bigger picture than myself and be a much happier person than some of the people around me.

What do you think the next 43 years will look like?

Day 6 of the 30 Days Of Truth

For the whole list and previous posts click here

Day 6 is: "Something I hope I never have to do"

I have a few for this one...

• Watch my parents die
• choose between my life and someone elses
• watch my friends,family,pets suffer
• go hungry
• identify a body