Venting

It's no secret that my sister is an addict. It's something I've had in my life since she was a  teenager. Going from drug programs to stints in  jail. There were years with her being a functioning addict but I knew better than to try and have a conversation after dark. Her voice would grow louder, her tone more cutting, interrupting and talking over me if it were on the phone, in person she was clingy and too close or angry and running away.

The worst for me was never knowing what to expect. Cross that ...it's now knowing what to expect and never being proved wrong.

As a teenager there was hope that she would out grow her bad behaviors. When she became a mother there was that hope again.and again as she became a grandmother..Always trying to look for the positive and hope she'd "wake up" and be normal one day. The curse of my rose colored glasses.

We've had years that we talked almost every day and years that our conversations were scattered from weeks to months between conversation. I think she has always known that push come to shove I would be there for her. Foolishly I thought the same about her. I saw how wrong I was when our father died.

I think what makes me the most angry (besides everything) is that she pushes people away, drinks and keeps us out of her thoughts. It doesn't bother her that no one calls, or visits or invites her to family things because she has pushed those feelings away with drinking. My dad once explained to me that she will call and wreck havoc on our worlds with the latest crisis and we will be up all night thinking of ways to help her , while she is getting her drink on and sleeping only to not remember any of it the next day while we wake up sleep deprived and still worrying about her.

It's been a few weeks now since she has called, in the middle of the night with a drunken crisis. I have not called her to check in, she has not called me. I don't even know if she remembers the call. I still worry when I hear the police helicopters over head, and still check  the arrest reports from time to time but my worry as she's gotten older is that she will have a stroke or drink herself to death. I think her boyfriend would call us but I really don't know. I'm not sure what I'd do if i got that call.

I wish I had the ability to just put her out of my mind and not think or worry so much about the life she is wasting. I have always had such a strong bond with her...I could sense when things were  wrong, she often sounded amazed when I'd call just when she needed me. I've tried to tone those feelings down and not tune in but with doing that I feel a loss.

Little Sister

Dear Sister,

I have started this letter in my head about a million times.
I am so angry about so many things that I just don't know where to start.  I have said the serenity prayer over and over until it just doesn't make any sense at all. I know I can not change you, I try and have faith that you will decide one day that YOU can change you but I really have lost hope that that will happen.

I'm angry that over half your life has been spent with us worrying about you. I am angry that you have not set a better example for your son. I am angry that you are so wrapped up in yourself that you can't be there for me when I need you.

You are 41 years old. You have spent more than half your life not taking care of yourself. You will most likely end  up needing someone to take care of you because of your decisions .  I can't just pretend like I don't have a younger sister so I know I have more years of worry.

It's sick that the only time I can feel at peace is when you are in jail. It's the only time i don't flashback when helicopters fly over head. It's the only time that I know you are eating and not drinking. It's the only time I don't worry that I'll get a phone call that you've hurt someone or yourself while being drunk/high.

It makes me sad to look at the pain on mom and dads face when they ask me how you are doing because they have distanced themselves so much they don't even call you themselves. It makes me sad to hear the tone of helplessness when they talk about how they wish things were different.

It makes me furious to see your son spinning out of control and posting such crap on facebook knowing he doesn't have anyone in his life showing him an example of what a good, happy, law abiding life is like.  He should be enjoying his teen years ..do you remember EVER having to worry about mom and dad fighting or going to jail when we were growing up? NO you didn't. You had a safe, loving home with a family that loved and supported you no matter what.

I wish I could be more like Steph and just turn off the feelings and pretend like everything is just fine on holidays when we all get together. I've tried, that just doesnt work for me. I love you, I miss the good times, the laughter, the sober girl that played cards with me all day long . I miss our inside jokes. I miss you.

There comes a point in life when you get real with yourself. It's been happening for a while now. After Gin died I was there for you. I was with you every day,  helping you with the most basic of things. Then one day you decided you'd had enough and went off to the bars. I was home alone. Vic was in California being by her best friends side while she died of cancer. I needed you. I called and got no answer. My sister radar kicked in and I knew just where I'd find you...I drove to the bar and found your car outside. I called again..when I didn't reach you the next day I came by your house to find you hungover, in bed with Mark. You didn't bother to let me know you were ok. My messages were ignored. I realized right then how one sided our relationship has always been.  I took a big step back.

We stopped talking everyday. I would only hear from you when you needed money transferred. You couldn't bother to figure out how to do your own banking and why should you...you had me. The fool that always came to your rescue. The idiot that defended and stuck up for you no matter what.

I didn't want to even listen when Mark called last month about you being in jail again. I wanted to  hang up and pretend I never took the call. I didn't want to be the "go to" girl that the family contacted to see if anything was new with you. I didn't want to have to tell Dad as he was already in the fight of his life beating cancer.  Everyone had opinions, suggestions, advise. I just wanted to put  those rose colored glasses on and say "what sister?"

I didn't want to ever visit you in jail again..but I did. twice. I wasn't going to write to you in jail. But I did..twice. My letter wasn't all that nice this time around. You probably wish I wouldn't have sent it..I know, me too.

Know what makes me the maddest? The guilt. I worry and feel guilty that if I'm not there helping you pick up the pieces and try to make things easier on you , you will just give up.

I know your answer will be "I never told you to love me" or worry about me or whatever...you never did understand
 it was never a choice.

I do love you little sister..but today I must love you from over...........here.