Turmoil and Better Days

Have you ever had something just pull the carpet out from under you when you totally didn't think it would?

Oct. 7th this year I will be 44 years old. Five years ago on that day I was kicked out of my house. It was a complicated situation and unless you live it I doubt you'd understand but after five years of being married and six years of being a couple I moved out...with nothing. Later I would get my dogs back and one of our three cars, he got the large home, all the furniture and accessories I had picked out just for that dream house of ours, the time share, the yacht club membership, my milk glass collection (I'd later get that back) my Christmas decorations (got some of those back), my tupperware, etc. etc. etc. I think what he took that hurt almost as much as my big spa bathtub was our friends. He played the victim all over town so well...what could I do or say..I stayed quiet. I knew the truth and figured it would all come out eventually and anyone that spent any amount of time with him would realize there was more to his story.

Somehow we remained pleasant. We decided there was no need to divorce, I was able to keep the insurance that way (he's retired Military) and staying married kept him somewhat "unavailable" to the many women that wanted something more serious than he was willing or able to commit to. I was in need of having my hips replaced at the time and he knew I really needed the insurance and it wasnt costing him anything.

So we went on that way for the last four and half years...until last week. I got a text from him saying we should probably get together and talk about doing the paperwork for a divorce.

It is not like I thought we would someday get back together but this news hit me HARD. I am angry at all of the material things I've lost , I'm angry that he still is living in MY dream house, I'm angry that he still sees all of our old friends and constantly texts me to tell me that someone says hi. My email address has not changed yet I don't hear from any of them. I'm angry that he hasn't asked about our dogs in probably over a year. I'm just angry. And I'm scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to get insurance that is affordable or nearly as good because of the hip replacements and pre exisiting conditions, I'm scared that I won't be able to buy another home or even a car because he's ruined my credit with his poor choices. I'm angry that he still blames everything but himself for things that went wrong with the marriage...

And I'm torn. I am in the best relationship that I've ever been in so it's not that I am unhappy in anyway in my current situation but my heart hurts for the marriage that once was. I obviously loved him to marry him and never really delt with the closure part of being seperated. For the first few years after I left we still had dinner together and talked on a regular basis. I have not been to dinner or over to the house since Vic moved to Florida a few years ago. I still get nearly weekly texts from my ex telling me someone says hi or asking about my day. Even thou we had a very open and different relationship I would have probably still been living with him and happy if it had not been for him kicking me out.

So where am I going with this? I don't know...I just feel so many things right now and it's not that I can't talk to my partner or friends..I can, I just don't know how to really express what I'm feeling. I'm in a funk.

But things just started to look up. We booked a cruise for November! It will be our first real vacation together (we went to Tampa a few years ago for our birthdays but besides that we've not been away together). Vic has never been on a cruise so it will be so fun experiencing it thru the eyes of someone that has not been before! :)