I was Poked!

I was pleasantly surprised this week! My best friend from college "poked" me on facebook!! We had lost touch many years ago and I had often  wondered what had happened with her life. When we lost touch she was married with two small children in North Carolina and her life/world looked as close to perfect as my brain could wrap around. She had the very well dressed perfect kids, the big beautiful house that looked like it could have come out of a magazine. Her husband had a good job, she was doing wedding planning and scrapbooking. I believe..very creative "perfect" things. I am sure her life wasn't all this perfection, but since so many of the things that I longed for were lacking , her life sure looked good!

When we lost touch I was sure it was because of me. I wasn't married, if I was it didn't count. She came to visit once (maybe twice, but I could have blocked out the second time) I was living with my first husband in a small house with two Dalmatians and a dozen puppies. The bed she had to sleep on had no frame or headboard. My then husband was loud,obnoxious and drunk most of the time...I spent her visit being embarrassed by my life. Instead of the nice visit I wanted, I was hiding all of the fighting and hoped she wasnt noticing all of the drinking.

We lost touch and I went on to marry a second time. I had remained friends over the years with a boy that I dated in high school. He was the cute surfer that my parents were not crazy about at the time but they grew to like him after we got married.

That marriage lasted about two years. What went wrong? He drank, I bitched and we both needed time to grow up a little. We still talk on occasion and I would do anything for him, one of those things where we should have stayed best friends and not ruined it with marriage.

Ok then on to number 3....What? you thought that I would have given up dating and enjoyed life? Noo..just kidding. Number 3...We met in beautiful St Simon's Island GA after talking a very short time on AOL.Yes after husband two I discovered the Internet! There was a lot of dating going on.Number 3 and I really clicked.At the time we met I had a girlfriend and he was fine with that. I wasn't as fine with his girlfriends but it worked. It never really occurred to me that I could have a serious romantic one on one relationship with a female. I knew other gay couples but just never considered that option for myself.

After a year of dating long distance he moved to Florida. We moved in together and got married. We had a very good life together. All of the things I thought would make a perfect life...Nice cars,Big houses, yacht club memberships, wonderful vacations...and so on. Boy was I wrong on that one!

 We started doing foster care because I wanted children. I fell in love with my first foster baby...Jabez.  

All thoughts of adopting this perfect little boy ended one day in court when the judge thought it would be better if he was raised by his grandparents. I would go on to take in dozens of other foster children but none filled the hole in my heart left by this boy.

Fast forward a few years and I was sitting home more often than not waiting for the phone to ring in the middle of the night. Not for news of children needing a home for the night but for Number 3 needing a ride home from the club so he wouldn't be drinking and driving. He would go out more and more and I would turn to my "computer" friends for company and understanding.

I could go on and on about the things that happened but we can't go back and it wouldn't change anything..so moving forward in my story...

Between that day in Oct of 2006 when I walked out of my life as I knew it  and today...

I am able to smile, I am with a woman that makes me very happy. I am in a relationship that knows TRUST, not just trusting that there will not be cheating but trust that we will do nothing to harm the relationship we have together.

Today I laugh more than I cry

I smile more than I frown

and I look forward to every day ahead of me

Pour Your Heart Out

There is a blog hop by "Things I can't say" called Pour Your Heart Out.

Here are the rules:

Here are the Rules:

Pour Your Heart Out

Wednesdays

Write a post from the heart.

Something that has been weighing on you.

Something you feel passionately about.

Something you've been wanting to talk about.

A cause, a memory, a belief, a world view.

Anything.

Ok so on to my post..
For those that don't "know" me...I am over 40, have never had kids, am in a same sex relationship, live in Florida where it is not legal for same sex couples to adopt children, and am totally crazy in love with my four furchildren.
 
With that being said...Oprah did it again! Several years ago I was watching her do a show about the foster care system. It was my aha moment that she speaks of. I just knew that I could provide a good home to all of these children that need homes. I talked my then  husband into doing foster care and for a few years that was a big part of my life. 24 children later and many life changing decisions I no longer do foster care and no longer have that husband or life.
 
Fast forward about 5 years..I'm watching Oprah again and the subject is four boys that were nearly starved to death in their foster home. Vic and I hit pause on the TV about a dozen times as we discussed the topic of becoming foster parents. Would it work now with all the dogs? We both agree that we are better suited for babies and  toddlers, we talk about how we can make the second bedroom which is now used as Vic's closet, into a baby room..it would change our lives. This time around I know that falling in love and adopting isn't an option..it's a law here. Can my heart take this again? We leave the conversation with the agreement we will think about it more.
 
I know we will have to keep the house cleaner, train the dogs better, cook more than we do now, seriously get another car because the ones we have won't give us much room for car seats. Part of me wants to say but can't quite really feel the words..."are you crazy for wanting this again?"  I know I'm not crazy. I know it is what I SHOULD be doing. I know it is what my "plan" is.
 
People talk about a "calling" and if ever there was one I feel this is mine. I want to make those children feel loved and to know that there is a better life out there than what they come from. Not that I think I am better than anyone but because they are my focus. I want them to go to bed happy and safe and not scared and hungry. Yes it's my weakness of wanting to change the world.
 
So anyway, I have not made the call yet but it is on my mind.
 
 
 

Day 18 of the 30 Day Blog Journal

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Day 18 my wedding or future wedding...

I have been married three times. My favorite line is that it took me three times until I realized being a lesbian was an option.

I am good friends with my ex's for the most part, the divorces were just as much me as it was them. I honestly have always been attracted to women but did not really think about having a woman as a partner until about five years ago. I had had girlfriends but also boyfriends or husbands being my main relationship. When that changed and I put the woman in my life first it was a real eye opener for me.

Another wedding isn't something I think about much because it's not legal in Florida. My partner and I are just like a married couple in many ways..we share a home, bank accounts,pets, etc. When I had hip surgery she stayed in the hospital room with me every night until I went home. Not all hospitals allow that, luckily mine did.

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