Grief

I'm sad. I miss my dad. What is normal, what is not normal? I don't cry all of the time, I function, I go to work, I laugh, I smile. When those sad thoughts come to me I think of something else. I wait until night time, after Vic has gone to bed to read and then I let myself think of all the sad things. I store things in my head during TV shows that hit a nerve and think about them  at night when I'm sitting alone and can put all my thoughts together.

I dreamed about my dad last night. It was the first time. My sister and Vic have had dreams,in my sisters dream he was young and healthy and it was a beautiful dream. My dream he was still sick, actually worse than when he was living. It wasn't a pretty dream or anything  that made me feel better.

So much of the time I took pictures I was thinking of him knowing I would post them on facebook later so he could see what I was up to. When he moved to Seattle I made videos for him of the holidays he was missing so he could see everyone. I know that if I was the one living so far away I would like that. We video chatted quite a bit after he moved to TN, and mostly after he was diagnosed with cancer. this last year we were in touch almost every day. There is a void now.


I'm not selfish, I don't wish that he was still here. I believe when we pass we are with our loved ones and in a better place. I look forward to the day I'm with him again, until then it's just sad here. The world just isn't as sparkly or fun with him gone.

I worry now about losing Vic. Losing my mom. Losing my sisters. Being the last one still here. At night I reach out and touch Vic to make sure she's breathing. Probably not "normal" but also something that will most likely pass with some time.

I talk to my dads wife a lot. We don't cry or carry on when we talk on the phone. Her pain is too painful for me and I think mine is too painful for her. She sent Vic and I a thank you card for everything we did for her/dad and the last line of the card she said my dad was the love her life...I've said that line over and over in my head...how sad is that. How can you go on when you've lost the love of your life? My dad was the love of my life too.

I spent much of today online and in stores looking for something to put some of my dads ashes in. Nothing was right. I think I'll just know when I see it. I have ideas of what I want but I don't really think I'm ready to wrap my brain around him being "ashes' right now.

Cancer sucks. Smoking sucks. Not having your dad in your life anymore SUCKS.

I thought that I would "feel" him after he passed. I haven't. It hurts my feelings like it's something I did wrong even thou I know that doesn't make rational sense. I want him to come to me like in the movie Ghost or something..too many movies/TV/books...I know.

That's all for now..thought writing would help..it didnt