Grief

I'm sad. I miss my dad. What is normal, what is not normal? I don't cry all of the time, I function, I go to work, I laugh, I smile. When those sad thoughts come to me I think of something else. I wait until night time, after Vic has gone to bed to read and then I let myself think of all the sad things. I store things in my head during TV shows that hit a nerve and think about them  at night when I'm sitting alone and can put all my thoughts together.

I dreamed about my dad last night. It was the first time. My sister and Vic have had dreams,in my sisters dream he was young and healthy and it was a beautiful dream. My dream he was still sick, actually worse than when he was living. It wasn't a pretty dream or anything  that made me feel better.

So much of the time I took pictures I was thinking of him knowing I would post them on facebook later so he could see what I was up to. When he moved to Seattle I made videos for him of the holidays he was missing so he could see everyone. I know that if I was the one living so far away I would like that. We video chatted quite a bit after he moved to TN, and mostly after he was diagnosed with cancer. this last year we were in touch almost every day. There is a void now.


I'm not selfish, I don't wish that he was still here. I believe when we pass we are with our loved ones and in a better place. I look forward to the day I'm with him again, until then it's just sad here. The world just isn't as sparkly or fun with him gone.

I worry now about losing Vic. Losing my mom. Losing my sisters. Being the last one still here. At night I reach out and touch Vic to make sure she's breathing. Probably not "normal" but also something that will most likely pass with some time.

I talk to my dads wife a lot. We don't cry or carry on when we talk on the phone. Her pain is too painful for me and I think mine is too painful for her. She sent Vic and I a thank you card for everything we did for her/dad and the last line of the card she said my dad was the love her life...I've said that line over and over in my head...how sad is that. How can you go on when you've lost the love of your life? My dad was the love of my life too.

I spent much of today online and in stores looking for something to put some of my dads ashes in. Nothing was right. I think I'll just know when I see it. I have ideas of what I want but I don't really think I'm ready to wrap my brain around him being "ashes' right now.

Cancer sucks. Smoking sucks. Not having your dad in your life anymore SUCKS.

I thought that I would "feel" him after he passed. I haven't. It hurts my feelings like it's something I did wrong even thou I know that doesn't make rational sense. I want him to come to me like in the movie Ghost or something..too many movies/TV/books...I know.

That's all for now..thought writing would help..it didnt

Who Am I ?

Would you guess that I am painfully shy by looking at my twitter/facebook/blogs?  Probably not. Would you label me a lesbian? Bi? I usually  have a hard time fitting into a label....I blame it on my Libra birth sign. I have to see all sides, try all sides. I love the person for what's on the inside, not just their body parts. When I was first dating Vic she called me "fluid" once. I think I am...

You may not know unless you've been on the receiving end that I have a quick temper. Not quick to get mad but quick to get over it. I guess quick if I'm allowed to express my feelings  on the  subject or take it out some how, if I am forced to hold it inside no one around me can usually be very happy. 

I've had the same group of friends since I was little. When I make friends it's usually for life. (Until the world of myspace/facebook...where the delete button is so easily clicked in a fit of passing anger) I'm very forgiving and it bothers me a lot if anyone is upset or angry with me. I hate to be ignored and my feelings get hurt pretty easily. My sisters teased me about this a lot growing up. I don't feel like I am a very good friend but I do think that I have many great friends that I could count on in a heartbeat if I needed them. I don't know if anyone feels like they could count on me..and worse yet I am not sure if they could.

I feel others pain a little too deeply sometimes. Watching the news is painful for me. I can almost always put myself in someone elses situation. I have been accused of  projecting on my dogs quite often. I am just sure that if I don't pick D.J.  up when he's giving me those sweet eyes I'm going to hurt his feelings and he'll think I don't love him anymore, or if I yell  at Dakota she will be angry at me and not love me anymore. 

I almost always would rather text or email than talk in person or on the phone. I'm very uncomfortable in groups. Even at most family gatherings I'll be the one sitting back watching and listening or taking pictures. I get more enjoyment looking at the pictures later than I do in the moment they are taken.

I let go pretty easily in most situations. I believe that I am on a journey and people will come and go as they should. No one is here forever but many will leave and return during my time here and beyond. I am sad when things end but not out of control. It's a "until next time" for me, not really ever goodbye.

I need laughter in my world. I can't remember many days that there has not been laughter...even thru the tears I can usually manage to find something to laugh about..even if it's at myself.  I'm so very lucky that I have found someone that "gets" me and laughs right along with me.

I don't mind doing things "your" way as long as it makes sense to me. I like to please people. I don't like being around negative energy..ever.  I like "nice". Mean people don't have a place in my world. 

I feel that I am spiritual but not religious. I grew up going to church (Episcopal) every Sunday and could still sing the songs and say the prayers without ever opening a book. I liked the routine but it didn't fill me with any understanding of what is out there. I still enjoy going to a service here or there but I find my spiritual needs met in private with my thoughts. I believe if you put "good" out you get "good" back. 

I think everything happens for a reason. Those reasons are not always clear but they don't need to be. 

Enough of this "all about me' post... Who are you?

Dreams

Since my last post my father has passed away. I was fortunate enough to get to spend the last two weeks of his life by his side. Exactly one year ago he was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer. His prognoses was not good so we made the most of the year. Last March I went up to TN and spent two weeks with him while he started chemo. Over the summer he was in a brief remission sort of thing and he made it back to Florida for a week or so. During Thanksgiving we rented a cabin in TN and went and spent the holiday with him. My sister spent Christmas in TN with him and in January and then again in Feb. I was up trying to fit more time into the hourglass that was quickly losing its sand.

I've been back in FL now for about a week. Vic, my partner, has been having dreams every night where my dad visits her. The first set of dreams my dad was wanting her to count money and balance it on an old ledger. It was very frustrating because it would not balance. The figures just would not be what my dad thought they should be.

The next set of dreams was about two boxes. My dad told her that one box was a "good" box but before she could give it to me there was something she needed to do with the second box...in that order..do something with the second box and THEN give me the first box. For many reason she could not open the second box...it took the form of a safe in one dream, a gift wrapped box in another...no matter what it was her hands would not let her open it.  Finally she gave up and gave me the "good"  box without following the instructions of doing whatever was in the second box first. When I opened it blood and guts spewed out all over my lap. She woke up very upset after this dream.

Last nights dream Dad came and told her about a gay man named Tom that had passed away. He was from a small town and wanted to leave his money to many different gay charities. Dad told Vic to write briefs and take them to a judge to submit them. Vic would start writing and dad would want something changed and she'd have to start over....this continued with the writing and starting over.

I've been doing some research on the meaning of dreams but I just can't figure these out. Odd....